The Bachelor: Is Ben a cheesecake, or what?

First things first. Thank you to everyone who has given me feedback over the past couple of weeks. Believe me, I’m only doing this for you. If you didn’t care, neither would I. Like all other human beings, I like being affirmed. I appreciate you all spreading my writing to your friends and would encourage you to continue this noble action so that we may spread the greatness of the Monday night crazy we witness each week to the entire world. (Truth be told, I’d settle for spreading it to the United States.) (Of America).

As I mentioned last week, the blog has hit the road this week to the DVR capable home of @MaryPhoenixM & @MandyEThomas in the grand metropolis of Bowling Green, KY. We have taken down some salad, bread, and pasta. We are all carb’d up and ready for the marathon of craziness. Let’s get to it.

*According to early previews, Courtney is getting called out by the girls tonight. This is it. This is the night a homicide occurs on national TV. If you had February 2012 in the “When will a homicide occur on National TV?” office pool, I think you’re a winner. Congratulations!

*As the show begins one of my watching companions, Mary, had this to say about Ben: “I just think he is the ugliest person in the world.” The decision to make the drive is looking like a good one. I don’t usually talk much about Ben. It’s man code, you know? But I’ll let Mary and Mandy weigh in on him all they want.

*Emily on their new digs in Belize- “I’m sharing it with 4 girls and a shark. Courtney likes to sleep alot. She attacks and goes back to bed. You never know when the next bite is coming.” You never know when a homicide is coming either, Emily.

* “I would love to be on a 1 on 1 with Ben here in Belize.” Dynamite drop in Nikki! Do these girls hear what they are saying? Of course you would love to be on a one on one date. So would the other five girls. You’re not exactly sharing an unbelievable thought here.

*And just like that, Lyndsi gets the first one on one date. Nikki handles it not well and cries. Lyndsi says “I’m realizing that its really real now. And its really scary.” Then she says more stuff and uses the word really at least 4 more times. Apparently “really” has become this week’s “like”.

*”Watching Ben today feels like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake, put it in front of me and then someone else came and picked it up and said ‘bye bye’ and walked away. With my cheesecake. In swim trunks.”-Emily. No analysis needed. Just the quote by itself is enough. I watched and rewound this quote at least 4 times to make sure I got it exactly right. It was THAT good.

*They just jumped from what appeared to be about 30 feet high out of the helicopter into the water. “No life jackets either!”-Mandy (and my mom if she watched the show). All I’m sayin’ is Lyndsi better watch out for wedgies and Ben needs to keep his legs closed.

*Wait, did she say “Holy $*** balls”? Rewind. Yes, yes she did. Keep it classy, Lyndsi.

*Installment #1 of the Captain Obvious quote of the night: “Oh is this us?” says Lyndsi as she approaches their candlelit dinner area. Nope, not for you Lyndsi. This is actually for Ronnie & Sammie. They are shooting a Jersey Shore spin off show about their relationship. You know, because so many people care about it.

*Mary on Lyndsi: “I wish she would at least wear lipstick if she is going to wear that much make-up.” I knew something looked off about her, just couldn’t pinpoint it.

*Courtney just pulled off the first of many unbelievable sequences she was involved in tonight when talking about whatever she was talking about when she said “It’s like not fair. It kind of sucks. I only got 1 one on one date with Ben and I’m just sitting there like “I want to kill myself.” *cue fake crying*

Maybe I was wrong about the homicide. Maybe we’ll see a suicide.

Courtney is the worst fake crier I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure why she is wiping her eyes. There are no tears. There is no moisture there. As she continues to fake cry and wipe away air from her eyes, she adds “I’m not really ready to bring Ben home to meet my family. It sucks. I really like him.” Ummm…. What? You like him but you don’t want to take him home to meet your family? I don’t know much about this show, but I understand that taking him to your home is the next step in advancing.

*Ben and Lyndsi wrote a fairy tale and drew a picture of themselves jumping out of the helicopter. Then they put that paper in a bottle and threw it in the water. They are grown adults.

*Ben on Lyndsi- “She’s incredible. It’s in moments like this I reflect on the journey we’ve gone on and everything we’ve been through.” He acts as if they have lived as homeless drug addicts on the street together. But wait, they haven’t done that at all. They have traveled all expenses paid from one luxurious place to another for the past month. You’re right, Ben. You guys have really pressed on through some hard times. Way to persevere.  If you can make it through tropical vacation after tropical vacation you can make it through ANYTHING.

*Time for Emily’s date. Did anyone else think “I bet Emily got this date because she’s the only one left who has the ability to ride a bike?” No? Just me?

*I’m glad that local guy had time to take them lobster diving. That interaction didn’t seem staged AT ALL. Here’s how I think it went down:

Producer: Okay, Ben, act like this isn’t a part of what we have planned. Go talk to that guy pulling lobsters out of the water and see if he will take you guys lobster diving. Don’t worry, he will. We paid him. Not to mention we already have underwater cameras ready to go.

*Courtney’s ‘I’m losing sight of what we have and missing that spark’ type of quote from this week is coming up in 3, 2, 1….”I’m feeling a little down today. I’m just a little worn out.” That’s understandable. Because your life is so hard. Courtney, dogs live a tougher life than you and all they do is eat, sleep, poop, and bath themselves with their tongues.

*Here is the portion of the blog where I make a point by strictly asking questions. How are these girls falling in love with a man they spend mere hours around each week? Do they think he only makes them feel special? Do they think he is not mouth kissing the other girls, too? How are they in love with someone in 2 months?

Mary answers all my questions with 7 words: “They’re in love with the fairy tale.” She’s right. They love being pampered. They love traveling. They love nice things. They aren’t in love with Ben, they are in love with extravagance. When the show is over and they go back to live with him they’ll realize he’s a busy winemaker with a butt cut who has no time for them.

* Kacie B. about Courtney after Courtney said something only Courtney would say after getting a one on one date: “It took every freakin fiber of my being to not spring across the room and punch her in the face.” The first threatened assault comes 46 minutes into the show tonight. The over/under was 43 minutes. Like Courtney, Vegas is good at what they do. If you had the over YOU’RE A WINNER!

*Nobody loves being on TV more than Courtney. I want to love her because she is the craziest, but I hate her. I am currently yelling at myself on the inside “DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SHOW. DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SHOW!! If you start caring about who Ben chooses then you lose and The Bachelor wins. DO NOT LET THE BACHELOR WIN!”

*Courtney plays the game differently and it is working. If any other girl told Ben they weren’t sure at this point he would send them straight home. Guys like the chase and Courtney makes him chase her.  She may be the best Bachelor contestant ever. She is playing him like a game of Tetris and somehow making the pieces fit perfectly.

*Speaking of Courtney, the quote of the night doesn’t come from a girl on the show. It comes from Mary: “Does Courtney have turrets? She is always moving her head and she never looks him in the eye.” This would explain so much about her.

*Just kidding, turns out that wasn’t the quote of the night. Sorry Mary. Courtney just said these words out loud: “Today was one of the best days I’ve ever had. I’m kind of high on love right now. Snap girls, shows over. You can all go home. Pack your bags.” Then she does the gunshot thing and makes the psshhh noises. “Kill shot.” We’re in definite range of Courtney committing a homicide. “I don’t want to get cocky though.” Yes you do, Courtney. Yes you do. I don’t think she’s high on love. I think she’s high on pharmaceuticals.

*Courtney just said since Day 1 she’s tried to be winning every girl over and be nice to them. I totally disagree with this, but maybe I just don’t know how women show kindness to one another. Help me out girls. Is kindness shown by wielding fake firearms and shooting them sideways like a character from “The Wire?”

*I could write 1,000 words about the interaction Courtney and Ben had at dinner. That’s how many it would take. I simply don’t have the energy. The bottom line is that she is the Michael Jordan of sociopathic liars and he believes everything she says.

*Ben woke the girls up at 4 am. Not a bad play by him. He needs to know things like “Kacie B. sleeps with a blindfold on” and “Girls CAN get ready way faster than they do.” That being said, if I shaved my face as fast as they shaved their legs and underarms I’d bleed out and die.

*They go on a group date to go swimming with sharks. Here is what Mary and Mandy had to say about Ben:

“He’s got another tank top on.”- Mary

“He looks like a dirty mexican.”-Mandy

Analysis like this is why you drive 30 minutes to watch the show.

*Nikki makes a rare appearance on the “This was said on national TV” radar tonight with this gem: “I’m falling in love with Ben and I’m not scared to tell him. I’m not scared to tell these palm trees, these seashells, the *bleeping* ocean.” Why’s it gotta be a *bleeping* ocean, Nikki? WHAT DID THE OCEAN EVER DO TO YOU?

*When Ben gave Kacie B. a rose, he basically said “I want to go to Clarksville, TN”. No one should ever say this ever.

*The girls on the group date warn Ben about Courtney. They say they aren’t sure she is there for the right reason. They obviously hadn’t seen her fake firearms.

*Prior to the rose ceremony, Courtney goes on a rant to the girls about having a good time and feeling good about the night. I’ve heard mixing alcohol and pharmaceuticals can do this to a person. She then says “Ben is not the only guy in the world.” This is actually true. I’m a guy. I’m in the world.  Considering The Bachelor TV set is her playground, she went on to extend her “When in *insert current location*” quote streak to 3 straight episodes.

*Right before the rose ceremony, I ask the girls to make their predictions for who would be exiting the show tonight.

“I think Rachel goes home.”-Mandy

“Mary, what do you think?”-Me

“I don’t like bangs. I would’ve sent her home on the first day.”-Mary

*Besides Snooki, Courtney may the least self aware person in the world. Or maybe she is the most aware. I don’t even know anymore. Courtney makes my head spin. I’m not convinced she is a real person. I think she may be a robot controlled by the producers of the show.

*I know that Courtney drives the women that watch this show crazy, but as Ben pulled her away I got fearful for the future of this blog. If she goes home, the remaining women aren’t nearly crazy enough for me. I don’t know I can continue this blog about a show that doesn’t include Courtney. Want proof that women hate Courtney? Here is a tweet I saw from a female I follow and a text from another friend. Both will remain anonymous.

The tweet: “I’ve never thought myself as the particularly violent type but given the opportunity I would poke Courtney in the eyes & kick her in the *synonym for unmentionables that you put your belongings in when you move*”

The text: “Can you refer to Courtney as ‘the *another term for female dog*’ tonight? I can’t stand her and her weird facial expressions.”

* In Installment #2 of the Captain Obvious quote of the night, Rachel and Nikki have this exchange:

Rachel: “You guys think he pulled her away because she is or isn’t getting a rose?”

Nikki: “It’s 50/50.”

Me: *sigh*

*”I feel like it’s finally her, her time has come. Goodbye Courtney, it’s been very nice knowing you. My condolences to whatever man you end up with”… is exactly what you would say if you were Emily and Courtney was about to get the final rose.

*Courtney just said “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.” Yep, she’s a robot. And I think she’s from the 90’s. That’s the last time I heard anyone say this.

*In the closing interviews/crying montages that end the show each week, Emily definitely handled it better than Rachel. Rachel couldn’t speak. But perhaps that’s better than what Emily said: “It’s hard. I don’t want to be alone. I want to share my life with someone.”

I’ve got good news Emily. People don’t only meet their mates on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. No ma’am. Contrary to popular belief, most people get married without going on a TV show. There’s still hope for you.

As we close up another week of Ben’s quest for Courtney’s approval, I can honestly say I am glad Courtney didn’t go home tonight. Girls, be mad at me if you want, but my “seeing a homicide on national TV” dream remains alive and well. And after seeing Courtney’s gun skills tonight, I’m more confident than ever.

Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener


About Lingerie on the Deck

College basketball, recruiting, and whatever else we find informative/humorous. Blake Chambers Aaron Flener
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