Listen, when it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. The final outcome of the show is of no interest to me. If Ben and Kacie B. end up living happily ever after good for them. I don’t care. Here are some things that intrigue me about the show:
1. The possibility of Courtney committing homicide.
2. Knowing what my cousin, Jenna, is talking about when she texts me and asks if Jennifer was “cryupping” in the back of the limo last week.
3. Seeing what happens when these girls continue to put Courtney on blast to Ben.
I realize it’s a little farfetched to expect a homicide (but I wouldn’t sleep well if I ruled it out) but I’d say Vegas is giving even odds on at least a physical assault. That, my friends, is why I’m watching.
Let’s cover two quick housekeeping things before the show starts.
A. From here on out, I’ll be referring to Courtney as “Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide.”
B. I have NO IDEA how to spell any of their names except for Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide. I am generally a good speller so this bothers me. But not enough to actually look their names up. Maybe I’ll figure it out by the end of the season. Maybe I won’t. But you don’t care about that, and I don’t either. The only confusion could be between the (Cas)(Kas)(cie)(sey)’s. And I know one of them is “S” and one is “B” and that’s all that matters.
*”It’d be great to maybe go skinny dipping again this week.”- Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide. In her real life, what percentage of the time would you say she wears clothing? I seriously believe she only wears clothing on this show because they make her. Here is how I picture the conversation going with the producer…
Producer: “Look, Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide, you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful body and a crazy brain, but we need you to wear clothes. Our camera guys get too distracted and we don’t have the budget to pay someone to blur out your constant nudity. We’d have to shell out $45,000 to hire someone full time, not to mention giving them dental insurance.”
Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide:”Shut up. I’ll do whatever I have to do to win, including telling Ben I am constantly losing sight of what we have. Now get out of here, I’ve got to wax my unibrow. It’s noon and I haven’t done it since 8:00 a.m.”
*”I’d like to see her go home. She’s kind of annoying.”- Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide talking about Kacie B. as she left for her one on one date with Ben.
As much as I hate to agree with anything she has to say, I too think it’s time for Kacie B. to go home. Although it’s not because I think she is annoying. It’s because she is normal. I challenge someone to tell me one crazy thing she has said or done. She talked about an eating disorder she had, but that isn’t something to joke about. That’s just her being honest about something she dealt with in her life. That’s not a crazy thing to do when you are getting to know someone. I think she has a good chance to win. But like I said earlier, that’s not important. The crazy is important, and she just doesn’t bring it. She just had a day long one on one date and she didn’t say anything crazy. Not one thing. We’ve got to get her off the show. Give me more Blakeley and Courtney!
*”The more I shine, the less she does.”- Blakeley, talking about her upcoming 2 on 1 date with Ben.
Blakeley, the only thing that shines on you is the bleep button.
*During the group date, Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide took another opportunity to show off her body. It was a questionable decision at best, considering there were children around. I understand their culture may be different, but as a general rule of thumb I don’t want a girl I’m interested in revealing her breasts to other human beings. Of course, she defends herself by using her go to defense for getting nude: “When in (insert whatever place she is in.)”
*The winner of this week’s “She said that out loud on national TV award” goes to none other than Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide for the comment she made during the group date to Ben. “I’m in room 1611. We can just lay there and be quiet for 15 or 30 minutes.” What does she want to do, see who’s better at “quiet as a mouse?” This show is a game that she is trying to win and I understand that. But telling a guy you’ve known for a short time you want him to come to your hotel room late at night doesn’t exactly scream “I’m to be respected.”
*”I just want to do what I want to do with you right now.”- Jamie. More from Jamie in a bit. Consider this a teaser. She has a Hall of Fame worthy crazy performance.
*If you watch this show you know that there is absolutely no love lost between Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide and Emily. Tonight, Emily begins to feel bad about this and decides to extend an apology to CTMWMOMNCAH (I’m super regretting committing to calling her that. It takes forever to type.) CTMWMOMNCAH then pulls one of my favorite crazy person moves. What move is that? The move to which I am referring is the “I just said back to back sentences that contradicted one another” move. After Emily apologizes, CTMWMOMNCAH says she respects her for apologizing and bringing it up face to face. Then she says this: “In real life we wouldn’t be friends. I do not respect you.” Soooo, which one is it? If you told me CTMWMOMNCAH committed a physical assault during this season, I would take every penny I could find and any pennies you guys wanted to throw in and bet it ALL on Emily. I’d pay $100 to see them in a bare knuckle street fight.
* During Emily and Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide’s argument (which sadly moved way too fast for me to transcribe it), CTMWMOMNCAH at one point said something to the effect of “I’m not just going to take it up the tail pipe,” which finished 2nd in the “She said that out loud in national TV” award voting tonight.
*They have GOT to stop showing that teaser of Kasey S. crying. She’s a terrible crier. It’s almost a wheeze. But I can’t let myself laugh because I don’t know what has happened yet. If someone in her family passed away then ABC is cruel.
*Blakeley is the craziest person here, hands down. Yes, even crazier than Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide. She has crazy eyes. All guys reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. Here’s a test. Think of the craziest girl you know. If you can’t think of one, then it’s you. If you can think of one, go look at pictures of her. If you can’t think of one, go take a bathroom mirror picture and look at it. Her/your eyes will look exactly like Blakeley’s. It’s tough to explain, but their/your eyes are super wide open and will usually be paired with a smile that is just a little too big.
P.S. If you just took a bathroom mirror picture of yourself, please stop reading this and go directly to ABC’s website and apply to be on the next season of The Bachelor.
*How many times did Blakeley wrap her leg around Ben while they were salsa dancing? She does realize that isn’t actually part of the dance, right? Wait. Of course she doesn’t.
*Blakeley is fighting for tonight’s MVP award: “For the first time I really feel something. Like, I feel it. I don’t want to lose you before you really get to know me.” Then she pulls out a scrap book that she made about everywhere they had been so far. I repeat, a scrapbook. Did she pre-plan this before she came to the show? Did she bring scrap booking materials? Are they allowed to go out to scrap book stores? Did the San Francisco page have the word “Scotch” written on it?
* During the 2 on 1 date, Rachel is given a rose. In turn, Blakeley isn’t given a rose and she reacts EXACTLY like I thought she would. She storms off and walks away before stopping to hear Ben’s go-to break up line: “I just feel like I have relationships with other women that are so far past what we have.” She then cries for 20 straight minutes. Excuse me, she wasn’t crying. She was “cryupping.” Blakeley, have a safe trip home. You will be missed, but the world can’t go too long without their VIP Cocktail Waitresses. Something had to give.
*I know these girls sign up for all of this to be shown, which is in part what makes them all a little crazy, but ABC is doing a disservice to Kasey S. (wheezing crying girl) that they continue to show before every commercial break. I need to know what is going on here so I know whether to be mad at ABC for being mean or mad at Kasey S.’s crying instructor for dropping the ball.
*So we just found out what’s going on with Kasey S. I take back everything I said about feeling sorry for Kasey S. and now that Blakeley is gone I’d like to anoint her as the new “craziest person on the show”. Apparently she came on this show and was maybe or maybe not in a relationship at the time. “Maybe I should be in therapy or something.”
You took the words right out of my mouth.
I just realized that the only reason Kasey S. is still here is because she is the most beautiful girl here. Seriously. She is a lunatic. She has used the word “like” as a conversation crutch 50 times in 8 minutes. I’m guilty of this sometimes as well, but once you notice one girl using “like” on the show you can’t stop hearing it. It’s disturbing and more distracting than CTMWMOMNCAH swimming while you’re trying to have a conversation with someone else. For her babbling, tears, and confusion about life, Kasey S. was sent home by Ben. But she still got a huge hug from Chris Harrison. What a nice guy.
*Up until tonight I wondered why Kasey S. hadn’t spoken this season. Now I understand. It was bad strategy for her. Someone obviously told her to just stand there and be pretty. She wouldn’t be smart enough to figure all that out by herself. But you have to respect her for playing to her strengths. It’s comparable to me not going inside the 3 point line when I play basketball. Nothing good is going to happen for me inside the 3 point line, so I don’t go there. Nothing good was going to happen for Kasey S. if she spoke, so she didn’t. Rule of thumb number two of the night: If you are coming on a dating show, maybe don’t be dating someone already.
*Before the rose ceremony, I typed this: “Jamie or Nikki is going home. Calling it right now.” And that was before Jamie word vomited all over Ben and solidified her fate.
* Jamie, in her private interview before she went to talk to Ben: “I need to show him that I’m sexy, that I’m a woman. I need to show him I’m not a prude.” Here is a question I would have for Ben: “Ben, hey man what’s up? It’s me, Aaron, from lingerieonthedeck. I was just wondering, was there EVER a question in your mind about Jamie’s gender? Because at one point she felt the need to show you she was a woman.”
*Jamie just straddled Ben and sat on his lap in a small skirt. I can’t stress enough the tinyness of this garment or how awkward this interaction was. She went from having not kissed him to straddling him and talk-kissing him in a matter of 10 seconds. Then she decided to climb off and talk about kissing him for two and one quarter minutes.
Rule of thumb number three for future Bachelorettes: Just kiss him. Everyone else is doing it. Don’t talk about it for 5 minutes or ask him “Are you nervous around me?” At that point he was laughing in her face. She literally WOULD NOT shut up. WOULD NOT. This was the most awkward interaction I’ve been apart of since my “Marriage in the Christian Home” professor realized I was taking my last college final ever with my shirt off.
*In the least surprising rose ceremony ever, Jamie the talking-kisser got sent home. I wish the girls had car keys so they could get them out and shake them at the girl who got sent home every week. Or they could form a small choir and sang the “Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” song as the person walked off.
*In the cab, Jamie avoided embarrassing crying but she dropped this gem: “I’m scared of love, but it’s one thing I really want.” That’d be like me saying “I really hate pickles, but it’s the only thing I want on my sandwich.” Where do they find these people? No, seriously, where do they find these people? My buddy Blake loves crazy girls and he needs to meet Blakeley. She’s just crazy enough to think their name similarity is a sign they should be together.
* As the show is going off, Emily rapped. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t good. But it wasn’t terrible, either.
For those of you like me who are digging the crazy, tonight was a great show. However, I’m saddened that we lost 3 genuinely crazy contestants tonight. 4 out of the final 6 are relatively sane (Kacie B., Rachel, Lyndsie, Nikki) and 1 is not as crazy as I want her to be (Emily). But don’t worry, loyal readers, we still have Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide.
Next week, I’m taking the blog on the road to Bowling Green, KY to watch the show with my friends Mary and Mandy. They have DVR & female perspective. Both will be good for the blog. In closing, I want to be honest with myself about where my life currently is. I’m a 29 year old male and next Monday I am driving 30 minutes to watch The Bachelor. That is all.
Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener