I went back and forth tonight about whether or not I was going to do this. Jersey Shore moves really quickly with seven people simultaneously saying outrageous things. Then I thought to myself: “Self, you live in a town of 15,000 people. You have nothing else to do. Give the people what they want.” (I assume you want the third reality show blog of the week. If you didn’t, I’m sorry for making an ASS out of U and ME.)
Monday we covered The Bachelor. Wednesday was The Challenge. Up tonight is Jersey Shore, everyone’s favorite show from 2009. In the interest of full disclosure, I watched every episode of the first two seasons. It’s not something I’m proud of, it’s just something that happened. It was a lonely time in my life. I had just moved away from Nashville and my friends. I was watching a lot of bad TV. Don’t believe me? I was DVR’ing Cougartown & Big Bang Theory during this same time period.
The past two seasons I have caught episodes here and there but I didn’t follow it as closely. This season I have seen a couple. I haven’t see the last two so I may be a little lost with what has been going on. Personally, I think that will make this even better.
9:01- Vinny had apparently left the house and now he’s back. Good news. Out of all the people on this show, Vinny is the only one I think I could have a legitimate real life conversation with. It would be about sports, but it would be legitimate none the less.
9:03- The Situation just said he wanted to get loyalty tattooed on one arm and betrayal on the other. Ronnie looked at him like he was dumb. If Ronnie looks at you like you’re dumb, maybe it’s not the best idea you’ve ever had.
9:04- The gang goes clubbin’ at a place called Karma. They’ve been in the club for 6 minutes and Vinny and Pauly are making out with girls. Those girls must have really wanted to be on TV. I mean, when you have a chance to make out with guys who you have probably watched have sex on TV no less than 25 times you simply HAVE to do it.
9:05- SNOOKI JUST PEED ON THE DANCE FLOOR!! Yes. The dance floor. The floor, where people dance. SNOOKI URINATED ON IT. How does she deal with the problem? She went to the bathroom and took a “shore shower.” What is a shore shower? Thanks for asking. A Snooki shore shower consisted of her spraying perfume on her butt and her front unmentionables.
9:06- A Teen Mom 2 commercial is on. While I can name every person on the original Teen Mom, I don’t know much about the cast of Teen Mom 2. What I do know is that Leah is sneaky hot in a bleached blonde hair skanky kind of way. And I know she’s about to get a divorce. Even though marrying a girl with two kids is the wrong kind of inheritance, I’m just sayin “Hey Leah, hollatcha boy.”
9:09- What has happened to Ronnie and Sammie? Last time I was into this show they were having “knockdown drag out Sammie’s bed to the porch” fights. Now they are like normal, happy people in a relationship. I don’t get it. And I for sure don’t like it.
9:10- Snooki just wrapped her pee panties in a plastic grocery bag and threw them away. At least she waited until after she slept in them all night to do this. You may be thinking “That’s gross”, but I urge you to keep in mind that she had taken a “shore shower” at the club so it was fine.
9:12- Deena just isn’t a smart person. She just used this collection of words: “Wall electrocution is like electronics.” Ummmmm, what?
9:13- “If you look up too much swag in the dictionary, it would be a picture of my face.”-Pauly. If you look up “guido”, they use the same picture.
9:14- Snooki just put on two pairs of underwear today after her accident last night. Makes total sense. If she pees the dance floor again it will probably only get one pair wet. Not both. Great idea. No one can say Snooki doesn’t think things through.
9:17- Looks like they are headed out to day drink. Although you hardly ever know what day of the week it is on this show, Deena says it is Sunday Funday. Sunday Funday may be the first thing I’ve ever seen on this show that I can relate to.
9:19- Snooki says she thinks she has a UTI. She goes onto say that, contrary to popular belief, UTI does not stand for “ultimate tanning institute”. If that isn’t what it stands for, then my whole life has been a lie. I don’t even know which way is up right now.
9:20- Snooki just peed in a bar bathroom and didn’t wash her hands. “I never do it either,” Deena says in support. The last two minutes have been a flurry of great stuff. I can’t keep up. I think Snooki followed the no hand wash urination trip with a quote like “My UTI hurts. I need medicine. I’ll just do tequila shots until it doesn’t hurt.” I just realized I need DVR for this show. Everything happens so fast.
9:21- Part of the gang heads to the batting cages. Seems like a normal thing to do during the middle of an afternoon of day drinking. Let’s go swing some aluminum around. Snooki then says something that she could have just kept to herself. “I don’t want the ball to hit me in my UTI. I don’t like balls thrown at me, (insert what you think she said she likes to do with balls and that will be close enough to what she said).” Just when you think she can’t get more offensive she goes and says something like this and totally redeems herself.
9:22- They successfully attained day drunkeness. Drunkeness in daylight does not look good on Mike. It makes him look super old.
9:24- You what I just thought of: I just thought of how great it’s going to be in 15 years when you open up the internet on your contact lenses and you see pictures of the Jersey Shore cast online. Their skin will look wrinkly and leathery. The skin their tattoos are inked onto will be sagging. Snooki, Deena, and Ronnie will be as round as they are tall. That’s going to be a great day. I’ll still be laughing at farts. I’ll be 44.
9:26- Snooki is attempting to pull off a perfect episode. I don’t want to talk about it yet. It’s like a no hitter. You don’t mention it. But I’ll just say that she has yet to pee in a bathroom in her own house during this episode. She has peed on the dance floor at Karma, in the bar bathroom, and on the back porch at their house.
9:28- Mike is walking around drunk on the party deck talking to the other housemates with his tally whacker out. I only mention it because I could see you thinking “I bet Flener can’t work the term ‘tally whacker’ into this running diary” when you started reading this. You were wrong.
9:29- Ronnie is eating Special K out of the box and appears to be sober. What has his life become? I hate it.
9:36- SNOOKI JUST PUT ON A BUNNY SUIT AND STRADDLED ALL THE GUYS IN THE HOUSE ONE AT A TIME.
9:40- No!!! Snooki is going to pee inside. No!! The perfect episode is over. If only Vinny could have known and beat her to the bathroom she could have peed in a potted plant inside the house and hit for the urination cycle (floor, bar, porch, potted plant.)
9:41- The bunny head is back on Snooki. She woke Mike up by closing his airways. That’s one way to do it I guess. Just to recap, so far in this episode Snooki has done the following things:
A. Referred to a UTI as an “ultimate tanning institute.”
B. Urinated on the dance floor at a dance club.
C. Taken a “shore shower.”
D. Used tequila as a pain medication.
E. Made a comment about balls I can’t print.
F. Got drunk during daylight.
G. Peed outside.
H. Put a bunny suit on and humped her roommates.
9:47- I don’t understand them having a job. They don’t need a job. Everyone knows they make tons of money every episode. Why do we need to act like they need money? Just let them do whatever they want everyday. I can’t remember any good scenes that have come out of them going to work. Except for the time Mike hid and took a nap.
9:50- Private interview with Snooki: “My dad keeps wondering why I have a UTI… Uhhhh, ‘I don’t know Dad’. But its from sex.” You can’t stop Snooki, you can only hope to contain her.
9:52- Bless Deena’s heart. She is just not cute. And it has nothing to do with her hair or crazy make up. I think it’s just her face.
9:53- These people give what I like to call “placebo advice” to each other. It’s not going to actually help anything but it sure makes them feel better.
9:56- J Wow is mad at her boo Roger for being on the beach and not calling her back. Besides Ronnie, J Wow is the last person in this house that I would want mad at me. If she got in a bare knuckle fist fight with Mike I would be surprised if Mike even landed a punch.
9:58- Vinny and Pauly laugh in Mike’s face when he is talking to them. I love that about them.
The obvious star of this episode was Snooki. I can’t wait for the last episode of Jersey Shore that they ever air when Snooki gets in her last private interview and says “Hey America, Gotcha! I’m not really this dumb. I’m actually a brilliant stand up comedian and actress and I made this character up.” Only she will be lying, because no one could make up the things that come out of her mouth.
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