(I changed the blog “theme” tonight. The white font on the black background hurts my eyes. I screwed up and didn’t save our old header. I’ll try to fix it tomorrow.)
Taking into account the positive feedback I received from The Bachelor blog on Monday night I thought I’d continue to, as they say, “strike while the iron is hot” (I don’t know who “they” are, but they seem to have a lot of involvement in the day to day lives of myself and everyone I know. I bet “they” don’t sleep a lot due to having to think of clever sayings all the time.) and write about another show featuring crazy people. The show is The Challenge: Battle of the Exes on MTV. I’m not sure how writing about it will go. My relationship with this show is totally different than my relationship with The Bachelor. I watch The Bachelor for the crazy and only the crazy. I have no favorite girl and don’t care who wins. I simply enjoy hearing the things women willingly say out loud on national television and reacting to it.
However, I actually like The Challenge. And before you say to yourself “Aren’t you a little too old to still watch MTV?” or “Flener is a great writer. It’s rare to find a great writer that is extremely good looking” let me just stop you. I already know both of these things. But I don’t care. I like the show and having looks and brains is just my cross to bear. Whatever you say won’t change these things about me. I’m too old to get excited about eating a banana popsicle after dinner too, but I do. Some things in this world are without an explanation. They just are what they are.
For those of you who are inexplicably not fans of this show, let’s quickly touch on what it is in a portion of the column I will call “Things that might be said if you have never seen The Challenge and we have a conversation about it”. (The things I assume you would say will be in bold and my subsequent response will not be in bold and will directly follow the statement it is answering. It just makes sense to do it that way. You asking a question and me giving you the answer to another question would be tough to follow. Yes, you would still get all the answers to all the questions you had but you may have trouble figuring out what questions some answers go with. I’m doing it this way for you. I love my readers and want to make things as simple as possible for you to understand. Here we go:
This show is called Battle of the Exes. It must be filmed in Texas, right? George Strait said all Exes live in Texas.
As surprising as this may be, it is not filmed in Texas. But I completely understand your confusion. George Strait has a very trusting face. Like an older uncle. Of course you would believe what he says in his songs. However, all Exes couldn’t live in Texas because there wouldn’t be enough jobs. It has more to do with the economy than anything.
Ummm, okay… So where was it filmed?
It was filmed in the Dominican Republic.
Where is that?
Green Hills Mall.
That’s Banana Republic, you idiot.
Look at you with the name calling. I don’t know where the Dominican Republic is. I don’t own a globe. If I could find it on the internet I would, but I don’t trust people on the internet to know. They can say anything they want, even if it’s a lie. Don’t believe me? Last time I was on Chat Roulette a girl told me she loved me and then she nexted me. Liar.
How do they find the contestants for this show?
Contestants for this show come off past seasons of The Real World, Road Rules, or Fresh Meat challenges. On this particular season of the show, contestants are paired with former lovers/hookups from previous shows they have been on. What could go wrong, right?
Actually it seems like a recipe for disaster. Surely they don’t allow alcohol in an environment like that. Seems like that could escalate things.
*Nodding & smiling*
Do the contestants have to pass a steroid test to be on the show?
*Shaking head no & smiling*
So let me get this straight. Dudes on steroids are drinking around other guys on steroids and all of their exes are around?
Yeah, you pretty much get it. Did I mention that the girls drink a lot too and these drunk steroided exes are competing for a $150,000 prize?
No. You didn’t. You could have just scrolled up the page to see what you had mentioned. You really aren’t that smart, are you?
I’m 29, eat a banana popsicle after dinner every night and I can name all the characters from season 1 of “Teen Mom”. I’d like to say my actions and my memory suggest I’ve got life figured out at this point. But you can disagree if you want.
Whatever you say, bro.
I’m not a bro, bro.
That’s more like it.
The show is about to start. What gimmick format are you going to use to write about it?
Why a real time running diary, of course. As I said the other night. I have no DVR so I cannot rewind to get exact quotes. Some may be a little off. I like it that way though. It makes watching the show more intense.
Alright, let’s get to watching it. Before we do, do you think you could not sit right beside me on the couch? There are only two of us here and there is another couch right over there. Not to mention a recliner.
I swear I was doing that as a joke.
It wouldn’t have been nearly as weird if you would have had a shirt on.
My bad. Let’s just forget that happened. The show is on.
9:00- Last week, rookies Nate and Priscilla from Real World San Diego went home. I could care less about this. They were two of the least interesting Real World cast members of all time. The only thing less interesting than these two is watching someone put deodorant on.
9:02- Mandi just told her partner Wes that she didn’t think he was ready to get back into a “monoganus” relationship.
9:04- Vinny may be the most out of shape contestant I have ever seen on a Challenge. He is 40 pounds overweight.
9:06- Naomi just set the record for most f -bombs dropped in under 10 seconds. She makes Blakely from The Bachelor look like a Nun.
9:07- Jasmine just assaulted her partner Tyrie. I don’t know any other way to say it. She punched him with her hand.
9:10- Today’s challenge is called “Hook-Up.” I’m not going to try to describe it. It requires balance and upper body strength and teamwork. Blah blah blah. The Challenges are really inconsequential to my enjoyment of the show. Let’s see some more assaults.
9:13- This challenge is unbelievably difficult. Vinny’s team is up now and they are performing surprisingly well considering Vinny is the heaviest person to be featured on an MTV show since Rob and Big last aired.
9:17- Camilla and Johnny are the only team to complete the challenge thus far. Johnny, or Johnny Bananas as he is commonly referred to, is my favorite character on this season of the challenge. They will be going into the finals against Sarah and Vinny to determine who becomes the “power couple.” The power couple determines who goes into “The Dome” to face the team who did the worst, Leroy and Naomi. Leroy is a beast and is feared by all nations. Going to elimination with him would be a nervous feeling comparable to waiting on your dad to get home from work after you laughed at the spanking your mom gave you for throwing rocks at cars.
9:20- Vinny and Sarah somehow win and become the power couple. Now everyone starts sucking up to them so they won’t get picked to face Leroy & Naomi in The Dome.
9:24- Tyrie just stated that he and Jasmine fighting was not going to happen again. Be serious. Jasmine has the lowest tolerance for alcohol in the world outside of college freshmen. It’s only a matter of time until she breaks a glass vase over your head.
9:27- Wes just said “These people have a vendetta against me because I have beaten them in these games and in life.” Yeah, Wes. Because being a ginger and everyone hating you is the ultimate life win.
9:30- The whole group went out to a club. Apparently Vinny winning the challenge went to his head. He pulled a girl’s shirt off. Or maybe it wasn’t the winning. Maybe he drank some. Oh, what’s that? Vinny just used the words “I was pounding drinks”? Okay, so it was the drinks. Did I mention he did all of this stuff at the club with his shirt off? I REPEAT, HE DID ALL OF THIS STUFF AT THE CLUB WITH HIS SHIRT OFF! To reiterate an earlier point, he is 40 pounds overweight.
9:36- Vinny just got kicked off the show for what he did to Mandi in the club. It’s probably for the best. I have no idea how he could top what he did on the crazy scale. When I picture what Vinny will do to deal with his feelings about getting kicked off, I picture him eating an entire pan of lasagna with his shirt off rubbing his nipples with his free hand.
9:42- It is decided that Vinny’s partner, Sarah, will also be sent home. To say she reacted poorly would be an insult to poor reactions. She had a full fledged come apart. She ran around the house crying like a teenage girl who just found out her friends didn’t ask her to go to the Taylor Swift concert.
9:45- Elimination time in The Dome. The guys will compete against each other and the girls will compete against each other. They each hold two sides of a piece of wood shaped as an “X” and try to wrestle it away from the other person. Best 2 out of 3 wins.
9:48- Leroy is a monster. He just manhandled Wes in The Dome challenge. It was frightening. I think I just peed a little.
9:50- Mandi defeats Naomi. It was girls competing. It was boring.
9:51- Now a coin flip will determine whether the girls or guys will go again to determine a sudden death winner. It was heads, which means the guys are going head to head. Perfect for Leroy and Naomi.
9:56- Leroy wins. Vegas didn’t even take bets. More importantly, I just realized Naomi has a handgun tattooed on her inner arm. Then she had this to say about her and Leroy’s relationship: “I think we should be sleeping together during this challenge. I think it would help us in the game. We need to communicate to be our best and I think sleeping together would help that.” You know what Naomi, you’re probably right. I bet sex would make things way less complicated.
To recap this episode, 2 teams went home. 1 to elimination (Wes & Mandi), and 1 due to a sexual assault in a club by a shirtless man who is 40 pounds overweight (Vinny & Sarah). Leroy and Naomi have taken over the “Power Couple” position and will choose the order for next week’s challenge. They will also undoubtedly spend more time arguing about if they should sleep in the same bed. I wouldn’t argue with her Leroy, she has a handgun tattooed on the inside of her bicep.
(I’ll give you one guess which one of the guys in the picture below is Vinny. Hint: It’s the fat guy with his shirt on.)
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