I haven’t quite found the urge to write about basketball this season, but fear not loyal LOTD readers, I’ve discovered my true calling; breaking down “The Bachelor.” Last year when I was really finding myself as a writer and honing my skills, I was making fun of terrible announcers or writing my predictions and assessments of big games. Little did I know I was grooming myself for something bigger. Something more important. Making fun of all things on “The Bachelor.”
The past few weeks, I had played around with “live tweeting” during the show. It seemed to be fairly well received by my followers but I decided to go in a different direction tonight. I decided to take notes during the show and blog about it after. I quickly found out that was much to the dismay of a few of my followers:
“@rockTHEgood: @AFlener I was hoping to read your tweets to entertain me during class.”
–I’m bitter towards the students of today. They have SO many things to occupy their attention during class (twitter, facebook, words with friends) However, I wasn’t a standout in the classroom as it was. I had 2 senior years in college. The iPhone would have literally cost me my degree.
“@GretchBurchett: @AFlener What’s your blog because I’m highly disappointed I can’t follow your humor on here.”
–If you’re reading this, you already know. It’s lingerieonthedeck.wordpress.com.
“@TateRealEstate: @AFlener I for one (speaking for all) was looking forward to your virtual play by play.”
–Speaking for myself to you (and all), you’re still going to get it. And you’re going to get it in more than 140 characters at a time.
“@Amandadawn0809: @AFlener Where are the tweets!!??”
–Please stop yelling at me. I don’t respond well when I get yelled at. I shut down and don’t share my feelings (ask my ex girlfriends). And believe me, you want my thoughts and feelings about this week’s episode.
We’ll do this is running diary form. I don’t have certain times recorded that certain things happened, so my thoughts will move from the start of the episode through to the finish and won’t skip around from one part to another. They will be separated by “*’s”.
(I’ll preface all of this by saying I may not have the exact quote right when I quote these girls. I’ve never heard some of the things they say out loud before so I get lost at times. I also don’t have DVR so I can’t go back and re-watch it. A #FirstWorldProblem if I have ever seen one.) Here we go.
*Courtney (about Emily): “She’s still on my s*** list. Once you’re on my s*** list you’re pretty much dead to me.” At this point, everyone in America watching the show desired to be placed on Courtney’s s*** list. Heck, let’s not even restrict it to American viewers. If you were watching anywhere in the world you want on that list. The way I see it, if I am dead to Courtney she is by default dead to me. It’s logistics. Or logic. I’m not sure. Like I said earlier, 2 senior years for me.
*Nikki, before her solo date with Ben: “If I don’t get a rose tonight I’d be really bummed after coming all the way to this Puerto Rico.” You mean, as opposed to coming all the way to “that Puerto Rico”? How many Puerto Rico’s are there? I thought there was only one, but the only thing I’ve learned in the past year was that people can save a lot of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. So what do I know?
Also, she’d only be bummed because she came all the way to this Puerto Rico and doesn’t want to go home the first day and miss out on time in this Puerto Rico? Call me a romantic, but I thought the point of this show was staying around to find true love. (It’s sentences like the last one that make me wish there was a sarcasm font.)
*If you are ever on The Bachelor and on a solo date with “the man of your dreams”, say something like Nikki did if you want to guarantee it will start pouring down rain. “I feel like I’m in my element. This date is going so well right now. What could go wrong?”
*”Ben is muy muy muy muy muy caliente.” I don’t know who said this, but I guarantee you they could spell it and they weren’t totally sure what it meant.
*I don’t hate on Ben much. Compared to the girls on the show, he is the essence of composure and tact. That being said, I don’t take anything he does seriously. Especially not when he put on that white hat. But it doesn’t matter. I’m not here for him. I’m here for the crazy. The crazy picks back up in 3, 2, 1….
*Nikki: “I think if I ever get married again I want to live with the person before.” Look, I’m not taking a moral stance on this. Far from it. I’ve got friends that have done/currently are doing this. I’m not sure it’s for me. But I’ve never had to make that decision. I just don’t see why you’d want to live with a girl one day before you had to. Back to Nikki. She has known him for 2 or 3 weeks and she is already talking about co-habitating. For me, that would raise more red flags than a day at the beach with strong under currents.
*My friend Kent dropped by for the first hour. He had never seen the show. He had this to say about Ben’s one on one talk with Nikki in the big round chair: “I don’t know anything about Ben or this show, but I’d have a hard time sitting Indian style that long.” Finally someone else who breaks down this show in a way I can relate to.
*When we look back on this season of The Bachelor, the baseball game scene will have to be in the top 5 scenes of the season. There was Competitiveness, Cursing, and Chest bumps. @coach_K_B had this to say about it: “Best baseball game I’ve ever watched in my life… Ok, Ok, the most boobs I’ve ever seen in a baseball game.” The truth always come out, ey Keith?
Here are 4 things that crossed my mind during the game:
1. If you are the last pick in the draft for The Bachelor baseball game, how could you ever look your father in the eye again?
2. Courtney was impressed with Blakely’s skills on the diamond so she put her analyst hat on: “Who knew strippers could play baseball?” Courtney, how could you not see this coming? Of course Blakely is an athlete. She has tattoos on her arms. On twitter, @onechancefancy had this to say: “@AFlener , Blakely looks like a drag queen.” *nodding*
3. On The Bachelor, there is crying in baseball. Darn good thing Tom Hanks wasn’t around.
4. How far has Major League baseball fallen? The only baseball game I’ve watched from start to finish since the 1990’s was a 5 inning game that featured 9 girls on a reality show.
*Elyse cried about going home before she even went on the date. I’m no TV producer, but I think they call this “foreshadowing.”
*”Let’s screw everyone else. Let’s just get married right here right now” is what you would say if you are a crazy person on a boat on your first date with Ben and your name was Elyse.
*About Elyse’s one on one date, I wrote this down: “Is she going to whine the whole date about it being her first date or actually be an enjoyable person and take advantage of this opportunity?” I soon found out my answer. She’s going to whine the whole date about it being her first date and then she is going to go home. Might want to take that inner ear earring out when you go look for a new job.
*About Elyse’s one on one date, Courtney said this out loud: “Maybe she drank to much and the Jersey Shore came out.” Woman, you leave Deena, Sammie, Snooki, and J Wow out of this. DID YOU NOT SEE SAMMIE THROW DOWN LAST WEEK?
*Blakely drops an astounding number of f-bombs. Smart move. That’s EXACTLY what I would want said on national TV by a woman I’m taking home to meet my parents.
*I’ve saved my thoughts on Courtney for a moment like this. As my friend Bob said on twitter last week, “Is it just me or does her unibrow have a 5 o’clock shadow? Her eyebrows and upper lip mesmerize me. Her upper lip because it never moves, and her eyebrows because I’m convinced if razors and tweezers were done away with she’d look like Anthony Davis’ twin sister. She had this to say about Ben: “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny dipped with a model before.” Courtney is a model? Who knew? @leslie_britt sure didn’t: “I wish Courtney would talk more about her profession because I keep forgetting what she does for a living…”
*Ben had this to say about skinny dipping with Courtney: “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” You’re dating 12 women right now, Ben. What could possibly go wrong with the other 11 if you get naked and get into the ocean with 1? I can’t think of anything. Obviously you can’t either.
*Sorry, I changed the channel during the skinny dipping scene. I’m sure Courtney said a lot of good stuff. Or maybe she just got naked and seduced Ben in the water. I wouldn’t know. Like I said, I turned the channel. She probably said something like “we might as well, we ARE in Puerto Rico” or “I feel like the girls are going to be mad at me when they find out about this.” But I wouldn’t know. I turned the channel.
*When I turned it back for the rose ceremony Courtney said: “I feel confident going into tonight.” What could have happened in that water? I wouldn’t know. I turned the channel.
*Ben mentions that their moment was intimate and he felt bad. Did they hold hands under the water?
*Courtney keeps bringing up skinny dipping. Maybe I should have watched that scene. Seems like its a big part of this episode.
*Apparently ,”I’m not going to talk about Courtney” is the perfect lead in for Emily to start talking about Courtney. I haven’t seen this much insecurity since Brad Pitt and George Clooney robbed the casino in Ocean’s 11.
*Hey girls on The Bachelor: For future reference, one way to definitely get a rose is to have sex with Ben in the ocean. Not that I think Courtney did that. I wouldn’t know, I changed the channel. I just figure that’s a way one could get a rose.
*One way to definitely not get a rose is to say back to back sentences that contradict one another… is the sentence I had written when I thought Emily was going home.
*In all actuality, the way to definitely not get a rose is to be a ginger. My cousin Jenna texted me a question I had no answer for, maybe one of you can provide it in the comments section: “Did Jennifer or whatever her name is have the hiccups or was she crying? Or was that a new thing called ‘cryupping?'”
*A warning to the ladies remaining on the show (who won’t read this): If you fail to receive a rose, don’t do weird stuff in the limo or my cousin Jenna is going to make up a new word for your reaction. I know, I’ve seen her do it.
This concludes my thoughts on this night of the most unintentionally funny show on television. I’m now going to contemplate how I got to a place in my life where I watch The Bachelor. After that I will contemplate how I got to a place in my life where could write over 2,000 words about it.
Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener