It’s Not You, It’s Me

Readers, can I be completely honest with you? I can? Thanks, you are so understanding.

Here we go. I’ve got to get this off my chest. I, Aaron Flener, am completely exhausted of watching this show. The crazies are gone (minus Courtney) and I could care less who wins or about seeing them take Ben to their hometown.

To make this blog happen, here is what I do. I start writing the intro at 6:30, I watch the show from 7:00-9:00 and take notes. Then from 9:00-12:00 I write approximately 2,500 words about the show. The first two weeks I genuinely enjoyed doing it, but last week was laborious. It’s 5 and a half hours and I can’t do it again.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do. I just can’t write about something that no longer interests me. We had a good run, but this is where it ends. I will tweet a little bit during the show and post those here for those of you without twitter. It’s not you, Bachelor blog readers. It’s me.

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The Bachelor: Is Ben a cheesecake, or what?

First things first. Thank you to everyone who has given me feedback over the past couple of weeks. Believe me, I’m only doing this for you. If you didn’t care, neither would I. Like all other human beings, I like being affirmed. I appreciate you all spreading my writing to your friends and would encourage you to continue this noble action so that we may spread the greatness of the Monday night crazy we witness each week to the entire world. (Truth be told, I’d settle for spreading it to the United States.) (Of America).

As I mentioned last week, the blog has hit the road this week to the DVR capable home of @MaryPhoenixM & @MandyEThomas in the grand metropolis of Bowling Green, KY. We have taken down some salad, bread, and pasta. We are all carb’d up and ready for the marathon of craziness. Let’s get to it.

*According to early previews, Courtney is getting called out by the girls tonight. This is it. This is the night a homicide occurs on national TV. If you had February 2012 in the “When will a homicide occur on National TV?” office pool, I think you’re a winner. Congratulations!

*As the show begins one of my watching companions, Mary, had this to say about Ben: “I just think he is the ugliest person in the world.” The decision to make the drive is looking like a good one. I don’t usually talk much about Ben. It’s man code, you know? But I’ll let Mary and Mandy weigh in on him all they want.

*Emily on their new digs in Belize- “I’m sharing it with 4 girls and a shark. Courtney likes to sleep alot. She attacks and goes back to bed. You never know when the next bite is coming.” You never know when a homicide is coming either, Emily.

* “I would love to be on a 1 on 1 with Ben here in Belize.” Dynamite drop in Nikki! Do these girls hear what they are saying? Of course you would love to be on a one on one date. So would the other five girls. You’re not exactly sharing an unbelievable thought here.

*And just like that, Lyndsi gets the first one on one date. Nikki handles it not well and cries. Lyndsi says “I’m realizing that its really real now. And its really scary.” Then she says more stuff and uses the word really at least 4 more times. Apparently “really” has become this week’s “like”.

*”Watching Ben today feels like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake, put it in front of me and then someone else came and picked it up and said ‘bye bye’ and walked away. With my cheesecake. In swim trunks.”-Emily. No analysis needed. Just the quote by itself is enough. I watched and rewound this quote at least 4 times to make sure I got it exactly right. It was THAT good.

*They just jumped from what appeared to be about 30 feet high out of the helicopter into the water. “No life jackets either!”-Mandy (and my mom if she watched the show). All I’m sayin’ is Lyndsi better watch out for wedgies and Ben needs to keep his legs closed.

*Wait, did she say “Holy $*** balls”? Rewind. Yes, yes she did. Keep it classy, Lyndsi.

*Installment #1 of the Captain Obvious quote of the night: “Oh is this us?” says Lyndsi as she approaches their candlelit dinner area. Nope, not for you Lyndsi. This is actually for Ronnie & Sammie. They are shooting a Jersey Shore spin off show about their relationship. You know, because so many people care about it.

*Mary on Lyndsi: “I wish she would at least wear lipstick if she is going to wear that much make-up.” I knew something looked off about her, just couldn’t pinpoint it.

*Courtney just pulled off the first of many unbelievable sequences she was involved in tonight when talking about whatever she was talking about when she said “It’s like not fair. It kind of sucks. I only got 1 one on one date with Ben and I’m just sitting there like “I want to kill myself.” *cue fake crying*

Maybe I was wrong about the homicide. Maybe we’ll see a suicide.

Courtney is the worst fake crier I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure why she is wiping her eyes. There are no tears. There is no moisture there. As she continues to fake cry and wipe away air from her eyes, she adds “I’m not really ready to bring Ben home to meet my family. It sucks. I really like him.” Ummm…. What? You like him but you don’t want to take him home to meet your family? I don’t know much about this show, but I understand that taking him to your home is the next step in advancing.

*Ben and Lyndsi wrote a fairy tale and drew a picture of themselves jumping out of the helicopter. Then they put that paper in a bottle and threw it in the water. They are grown adults.

*Ben on Lyndsi- “She’s incredible. It’s in moments like this I reflect on the journey we’ve gone on and everything we’ve been through.” He acts as if they have lived as homeless drug addicts on the street together. But wait, they haven’t done that at all. They have traveled all expenses paid from one luxurious place to another for the past month. You’re right, Ben. You guys have really pressed on through some hard times. Way to persevere.  If you can make it through tropical vacation after tropical vacation you can make it through ANYTHING.

*Time for Emily’s date. Did anyone else think “I bet Emily got this date because she’s the only one left who has the ability to ride a bike?” No? Just me?

*I’m glad that local guy had time to take them lobster diving. That interaction didn’t seem staged AT ALL. Here’s how I think it went down:

Producer: Okay, Ben, act like this isn’t a part of what we have planned. Go talk to that guy pulling lobsters out of the water and see if he will take you guys lobster diving. Don’t worry, he will. We paid him. Not to mention we already have underwater cameras ready to go.

*Courtney’s ‘I’m losing sight of what we have and missing that spark’ type of quote from this week is coming up in 3, 2, 1….”I’m feeling a little down today. I’m just a little worn out.” That’s understandable. Because your life is so hard. Courtney, dogs live a tougher life than you and all they do is eat, sleep, poop, and bath themselves with their tongues.

*Here is the portion of the blog where I make a point by strictly asking questions. How are these girls falling in love with a man they spend mere hours around each week? Do they think he only makes them feel special? Do they think he is not mouth kissing the other girls, too? How are they in love with someone in 2 months?

Mary answers all my questions with 7 words: “They’re in love with the fairy tale.” She’s right. They love being pampered. They love traveling. They love nice things. They aren’t in love with Ben, they are in love with extravagance. When the show is over and they go back to live with him they’ll realize he’s a busy winemaker with a butt cut who has no time for them.

* Kacie B. about Courtney after Courtney said something only Courtney would say after getting a one on one date: “It took every freakin fiber of my being to not spring across the room and punch her in the face.” The first threatened assault comes 46 minutes into the show tonight. The over/under was 43 minutes. Like Courtney, Vegas is good at what they do. If you had the over YOU’RE A WINNER!

*Nobody loves being on TV more than Courtney. I want to love her because she is the craziest, but I hate her. I am currently yelling at myself on the inside “DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SHOW. DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SHOW!! If you start caring about who Ben chooses then you lose and The Bachelor wins. DO NOT LET THE BACHELOR WIN!”

*Courtney plays the game differently and it is working. If any other girl told Ben they weren’t sure at this point he would send them straight home. Guys like the chase and Courtney makes him chase her.  She may be the best Bachelor contestant ever. She is playing him like a game of Tetris and somehow making the pieces fit perfectly.

*Speaking of Courtney, the quote of the night doesn’t come from a girl on the show. It comes from Mary: “Does Courtney have turrets? She is always moving her head and she never looks him in the eye.” This would explain so much about her.

*Just kidding, turns out that wasn’t the quote of the night. Sorry Mary. Courtney just said these words out loud: “Today was one of the best days I’ve ever had. I’m kind of high on love right now. Snap girls, shows over. You can all go home. Pack your bags.” Then she does the gunshot thing and makes the psshhh noises. “Kill shot.” We’re in definite range of Courtney committing a homicide. “I don’t want to get cocky though.” Yes you do, Courtney. Yes you do. I don’t think she’s high on love. I think she’s high on pharmaceuticals.

*Courtney just said since Day 1 she’s tried to be winning every girl over and be nice to them. I totally disagree with this, but maybe I just don’t know how women show kindness to one another. Help me out girls. Is kindness shown by wielding fake firearms and shooting them sideways like a character from “The Wire?”

*I could write 1,000 words about the interaction Courtney and Ben had at dinner. That’s how many it would take. I simply don’t have the energy. The bottom line is that she is the Michael Jordan of sociopathic liars and he believes everything she says.

*Ben woke the girls up at 4 am. Not a bad play by him. He needs to know things like “Kacie B. sleeps with a blindfold on” and “Girls CAN get ready way faster than they do.” That being said, if I shaved my face as fast as they shaved their legs and underarms I’d bleed out and die.

*They go on a group date to go swimming with sharks. Here is what Mary and Mandy had to say about Ben:

“He’s got another tank top on.”- Mary

“He looks like a dirty mexican.”-Mandy

Analysis like this is why you drive 30 minutes to watch the show.

*Nikki makes a rare appearance on the “This was said on national TV” radar tonight with this gem: “I’m falling in love with Ben and I’m not scared to tell him. I’m not scared to tell these palm trees, these seashells, the *bleeping* ocean.” Why’s it gotta be a *bleeping* ocean, Nikki? WHAT DID THE OCEAN EVER DO TO YOU?

*When Ben gave Kacie B. a rose, he basically said “I want to go to Clarksville, TN”. No one should ever say this ever.

*The girls on the group date warn Ben about Courtney. They say they aren’t sure she is there for the right reason. They obviously hadn’t seen her fake firearms.

*Prior to the rose ceremony, Courtney goes on a rant to the girls about having a good time and feeling good about the night. I’ve heard mixing alcohol and pharmaceuticals can do this to a person. She then says “Ben is not the only guy in the world.” This is actually true. I’m a guy. I’m in the world.  Considering The Bachelor TV set is her playground, she went on to extend her “When in *insert current location*” quote streak to 3 straight episodes.

*Right before the rose ceremony, I ask the girls to make their predictions for who would be exiting the show tonight.

“I think Rachel goes home.”-Mandy

“Mary, what do you think?”-Me

“I don’t like bangs. I would’ve sent her home on the first day.”-Mary

*Besides Snooki, Courtney may the least self aware person in the world. Or maybe she is the most aware. I don’t even know anymore. Courtney makes my head spin. I’m not convinced she is a real person. I think she may be a robot controlled by the producers of the show.

*I know that Courtney drives the women that watch this show crazy, but as Ben pulled her away I got fearful for the future of this blog. If she goes home, the remaining women aren’t nearly crazy enough for me. I don’t know I can continue this blog about a show that doesn’t include Courtney. Want proof that women hate Courtney? Here is a tweet I saw from a female I follow and a text from another friend. Both will remain anonymous.

The tweet: “I’ve never thought myself as the particularly violent type but given the opportunity I would poke Courtney in the eyes & kick her in the *synonym for unmentionables that you put your belongings in when you move*”

The text: “Can you refer to Courtney as ‘the *another term for female dog*’ tonight? I can’t stand her and her weird facial expressions.”

* In Installment #2 of the Captain Obvious quote of the night, Rachel and Nikki have this exchange:

Rachel: “You guys think he pulled her away because she is or isn’t getting a rose?”

Nikki: “It’s 50/50.”

Me: *sigh*

*”I feel like it’s finally her, her time has come. Goodbye Courtney, it’s been very nice knowing you. My condolences to whatever man you end up with”… is exactly what you would say if you were Emily and Courtney was about to get the final rose.

*Courtney just said “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.” Yep, she’s a robot. And I think she’s from the 90’s. That’s the last time I heard anyone say this.

*In the closing interviews/crying montages that end the show each week, Emily definitely handled it better than Rachel. Rachel couldn’t speak. But perhaps that’s better than what Emily said: “It’s hard. I don’t want to be alone. I want to share my life with someone.”

I’ve got good news Emily. People don’t only meet their mates on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. No ma’am. Contrary to popular belief, most people get married without going on a TV show. There’s still hope for you.

As we close up another week of Ben’s quest for Courtney’s approval, I can honestly say I am glad Courtney didn’t go home tonight. Girls, be mad at me if you want, but my “seeing a homicide on national TV” dream remains alive and well. And after seeing Courtney’s gun skills tonight, I’m more confident than ever.

Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener

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The Bachelor: Somebody Please Tell Jamie to Shut-Up

Hey Jamie, since The Bachelor didn't work out, maybe you should put out a kissing instructional video.

Listen, when it comes to The Bachelor, I’m here for the crazy. The final outcome of the show is of no interest to me. If Ben and Kacie B. end up living happily ever after good for them. I don’t care. Here are some things that intrigue me about the show:

1. The possibility of Courtney committing homicide.

2. Knowing what my cousin, Jenna, is talking about when she texts me and asks if Jennifer was “cryupping” in the back of the limo last week.

3. Seeing what happens when these girls continue to put Courtney on blast to Ben.

I realize it’s a little farfetched to expect a homicide (but I wouldn’t sleep well if I ruled it out) but I’d say Vegas is giving even odds on at least a physical assault. That, my friends, is why I’m watching.

Let’s cover two quick housekeeping things before the show starts.

A. From here on out, I’ll be referring to Courtney as “Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide.”

B. I have NO IDEA how to spell any of their names except for Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide. I am generally a good speller so this bothers me. But not enough to actually look their names up. Maybe I’ll figure it out by the end of the season. Maybe I won’t. But you don’t care about that, and I don’t either. The only confusion could be between the (Cas)(Kas)(cie)(sey)’s. And I know one of them is “S” and one is “B” and that’s all that matters.

*”It’d be great to maybe go skinny dipping again this week.”- Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide. In her real life, what percentage of the time would you say she wears clothing? I seriously believe she only wears clothing on this show because they make her. Here is how I picture the conversation going with the producer…

Producer: “Look, Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide, you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful body and a crazy brain, but we need you to wear clothes. Our camera guys get too distracted and we don’t have the budget to pay someone to blur out your constant nudity. We’d have to shell out $45,000 to hire someone full time, not to mention giving them dental insurance.”

Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide:”Shut up. I’ll do whatever I have to do to win, including telling Ben I am constantly losing sight of what we have. Now get out of here, I’ve got to wax my unibrow. It’s noon and I haven’t done it since 8:00 a.m.”

*”I’d like to see her go home. She’s kind of annoying.”- Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide talking about Kacie B. as she left for her one on one date with Ben.

As much as I hate to agree with anything she has to say, I too think it’s time for Kacie B. to go home. Although it’s not because I think she is annoying. It’s because she is normal. I challenge someone to tell me one crazy thing she has said or done. She talked about an eating disorder she had, but that isn’t something to joke about. That’s just her being honest about something she dealt with in her life. That’s not a crazy thing to do when you are getting to know someone. I think she has a good chance to win. But like I said earlier, that’s not important. The crazy is important, and she just doesn’t bring it. She just had a day long one on one date and she didn’t say anything crazy. Not one thing. We’ve got to get her off the show. Give me more Blakeley and Courtney!

*”The more I shine, the less she does.”- Blakeley, talking about her upcoming 2 on 1 date with Ben.

Blakeley, the only thing that shines on you is the bleep button.

*During the group date, Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide took another opportunity to show off her body. It was a questionable decision at best, considering there were children around. I understand their culture may be different, but as a general rule of thumb I don’t want a girl I’m interested in revealing her breasts to other human beings. Of course, she defends herself by using her go to defense for getting nude: “When in (insert whatever place she is in.)”

*The winner of this week’s “She said that out loud on national TV award” goes to none other than Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide for the comment she made during the group date to Ben. “I’m in room 1611. We can just lay there and be quiet for 15 or 30 minutes.” What does she want to do, see who’s better at “quiet as a mouse?” This show is a game that she is trying to win and I understand that. But telling a guy you’ve known for a short time you want him to come to your hotel room late at night doesn’t exactly scream “I’m to be respected.”

*”I just want to do what I want to do with you right now.”- Jamie. More from Jamie in a bit. Consider this a teaser. She has a Hall of Fame worthy crazy performance.

*If you watch this show you know that there is absolutely no love lost between Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide and Emily. Tonight, Emily begins to feel bad about this and decides to extend an apology to CTMWMOMNCAH (I’m super regretting committing to calling her that. It takes forever to type.) CTMWMOMNCAH then pulls one of my favorite crazy person moves. What move is that? The move to which I am referring is the “I just said back to back sentences that contradicted one another” move. After Emily apologizes, CTMWMOMNCAH says she respects her for apologizing and bringing it up face to face. Then she says this: “In real life we wouldn’t be friends. I do not respect you.” Soooo, which one is it? If you told me CTMWMOMNCAH committed a physical assault during this season, I would take every penny I could find and any pennies you guys wanted to throw in and bet it ALL on Emily. I’d pay $100 to see them in a bare knuckle street fight.

* During Emily and Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide’s argument (which sadly moved way too fast for me to transcribe it), CTMWMOMNCAH at one point said something to the effect of “I’m not just going to take it up the tail pipe,” which finished 2nd in the “She said that out loud in national TV” award voting tonight.

*They have GOT to stop showing that teaser of Kasey S. crying. She’s a terrible crier. It’s almost a wheeze. But I can’t let myself laugh because I don’t know what has happened yet. If someone in her family passed away then ABC is cruel.

*Blakeley is the craziest person here, hands down. Yes, even crazier than Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide. She has crazy eyes. All guys reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. Here’s a test. Think of the craziest girl you know. If you can’t think of one, then it’s you. If you can think of one, go look at pictures of her. If you can’t think of one, go take a bathroom mirror picture and look at it. Her/your eyes will look exactly like Blakeley’s. It’s tough to explain, but their/your eyes are super wide open and will usually be paired with a smile that is just a little too big.

P.S. If you just took a bathroom mirror picture of yourself, please stop reading this and go directly to ABC’s website and apply to be on the next season of The Bachelor.

*How many times did Blakeley wrap her leg around Ben while they were salsa dancing? She does realize that isn’t actually part of the dance, right? Wait. Of course she doesn’t.

*Blakeley is fighting for tonight’s MVP award: “For the first time I really feel something. Like, I feel it. I don’t want to lose you before you really get to know me.” Then she pulls out a scrap book that she made about everywhere they had been so far. I repeat, a scrapbook. Did she pre-plan this before she came to the show? Did she bring scrap booking materials? Are they allowed to go out to scrap book stores? Did the San Francisco page have the word “Scotch” written on it?

* During the 2 on 1 date, Rachel is given a rose. In turn, Blakeley isn’t given a rose and she reacts EXACTLY like I thought she would. She storms off and walks away before stopping to hear Ben’s go-to break up line: “I just feel like I have relationships with other women that are so far past what we have.” She then cries for 20 straight minutes. Excuse me, she wasn’t crying. She was “cryupping.” Blakeley, have a safe trip home. You will be missed, but the world can’t go too long without their VIP Cocktail Waitresses. Something had to give.

*I know these girls sign up for all of this to be shown, which is in part what makes them all a little crazy, but ABC is doing a disservice to Kasey S. (wheezing crying girl) that they continue to show before every commercial break. I need to know what is going on here so I know whether to be mad at ABC for being mean or mad at Kasey S.’s crying instructor for dropping the ball.

*So we just found out what’s going on with Kasey S. I take back everything I said about feeling sorry for Kasey S. and now that Blakeley is gone I’d like to anoint her as the new “craziest person on the show”. Apparently she came on this show and was maybe or maybe not in a relationship at the time. “Maybe I should be in therapy or something.”

You took the words right out of my mouth.

I just realized that the only reason Kasey S. is still here is because she is the most beautiful girl here. Seriously. She is a lunatic. She has used the word “like” as a conversation crutch 50 times in 8 minutes. I’m guilty of this sometimes as well, but once you notice one girl using “like” on the show you can’t stop hearing it. It’s disturbing and more distracting than CTMWMOMNCAH swimming while you’re trying to have a conversation with someone else. For her babbling, tears, and confusion about life, Kasey S. was sent home by Ben. But she still got a huge hug from Chris Harrison. What a nice guy.

*Up until tonight I wondered why Kasey S. hadn’t spoken this season.  Now I understand. It was bad strategy for her. Someone obviously told her to just stand there and be pretty. She wouldn’t be smart enough to figure all that out by herself. But you have to respect her for playing to her strengths. It’s comparable to me not going inside the 3 point line when I play basketball. Nothing good is going to happen for me inside the 3 point line, so I don’t go there. Nothing good was going to happen for Kasey S. if she spoke, so she didn’t. Rule of thumb number two of the night: If you are coming on a dating show, maybe don’t be dating someone already.

*Before the rose ceremony, I typed this: “Jamie or Nikki is going home. Calling it right now.” And that was before Jamie word vomited all over Ben and solidified her fate.

* Jamie, in her private interview before she went to talk to Ben: “I need to show him that I’m sexy, that I’m a woman. I need to show him I’m not a prude.” Here is a question I would have for Ben: “Ben, hey man what’s up? It’s me, Aaron, from lingerieonthedeck. I was just wondering, was there EVER a question in your mind about Jamie’s gender? Because at one point she felt the need to show you she was a woman.”

*Jamie just straddled Ben and sat on his lap in a small skirt. I can’t stress enough the tinyness of this garment or how awkward this interaction was. She went from having not kissed him to straddling him and talk-kissing him in a matter of 10 seconds. Then she decided to climb off and talk about kissing him for two and one quarter minutes.

Rule of thumb number three for future Bachelorettes: Just kiss him. Everyone else is doing it. Don’t talk about it for 5 minutes or ask him “Are you nervous around me?” At that point he was laughing in her face. She literally WOULD NOT shut up. WOULD NOT. This was the most awkward interaction I’ve been apart of since my “Marriage in the Christian Home” professor realized I was taking my last college final ever with my shirt off.

*In the least surprising rose ceremony ever, Jamie the talking-kisser got sent home. I wish the girls had car keys so they could get them out and shake them at the girl who got sent home every week. Or they could form a small choir and sang the “Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” song as the person walked off.

*In the cab, Jamie avoided embarrassing crying but she dropped this gem: “I’m scared of love, but it’s one thing I really want.” That’d be like me saying “I really hate pickles, but it’s the only thing I want on my sandwich.” Where do they find these people? No, seriously, where do they find these people? My buddy Blake loves crazy girls and he needs to meet Blakeley. She’s just crazy enough to think their name similarity is a sign they should be together.

* As the show is going off, Emily rapped. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t good. But it wasn’t terrible, either.

For those of you like me who are digging the crazy, tonight was a great show. However, I’m saddened that we lost 3 genuinely crazy contestants tonight. 4 out of the final 6 are relatively sane (Kacie B., Rachel, Lyndsie, Nikki) and 1 is not as crazy as I want her to be (Emily). But don’t worry, loyal readers, we still have Courtney the model who may or may not commit a homicide.

Next week, I’m taking the blog on the road to Bowling Green, KY to watch the show with my friends Mary and Mandy. They have DVR & female perspective. Both will be good for the blog. In closing, I want to be honest with myself about where my life currently is. I’m a 29 year old male and next Monday I am driving 30 minutes to watch The Bachelor. That is all.

Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener

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Jersey Shore Running Diary

I went back and forth tonight about whether or not I was going to do this. Jersey Shore moves really quickly with seven people simultaneously saying outrageous things. Then I thought to myself: “Self, you live in a town of 15,000 people. You have nothing else to do. Give the people what they want.” (I assume you want the third reality show blog of the week. If you didn’t, I’m sorry for making an ASS out of U and ME.)

Monday we covered The Bachelor. Wednesday was The Challenge. Up tonight is Jersey Shore, everyone’s favorite show from 2009. In the interest of full disclosure, I watched every episode of the first two seasons. It’s not something I’m proud of, it’s just something that happened. It was a lonely time in my life. I had just moved away from Nashville and my friends. I was watching a lot of bad TV. Don’t believe me? I was DVR’ing Cougartown & Big Bang Theory during this same time period.

The past two seasons I have caught episodes here and there but I didn’t follow it as closely. This season I have seen a couple. I haven’t see the last two so I may be a little lost with what has been going on. Personally, I think that will make this even better.

9:01- Vinny had apparently left the house and now he’s back. Good news. Out of all the people on this show, Vinny is the only one I think I could have a legitimate real life conversation with. It would be about sports, but it would be legitimate none the less.

9:03- The Situation just said he wanted to get loyalty tattooed on one arm and betrayal on the other. Ronnie looked at him like he was dumb. If Ronnie looks at you like you’re dumb, maybe it’s not the best idea you’ve ever had.

9:04- The gang goes clubbin’ at a place called Karma. They’ve been in the club for 6 minutes and Vinny and Pauly are making out with girls. Those girls must have really wanted to be on TV. I mean, when you have a chance to make out with guys who you have probably watched have sex on TV no less than 25 times you simply HAVE to do it.

9:05- SNOOKI JUST PEED ON THE DANCE FLOOR!! Yes. The dance floor. The floor, where people dance. SNOOKI URINATED ON IT. How does she deal with the problem? She went to the bathroom and took a “shore shower.” What is a shore shower? Thanks for asking. A Snooki shore shower consisted of her spraying perfume on her butt and her front unmentionables.

9:06- A Teen Mom 2 commercial is on. While I can name every person on the original Teen Mom, I don’t know much about the cast of Teen Mom 2. What I do know is that Leah is sneaky hot in a bleached blonde hair skanky kind of way. And I know she’s about to get a divorce. Even though marrying a girl with two kids is the wrong kind of inheritance, I’m just sayin “Hey Leah, hollatcha boy.”

9:09- What has happened to Ronnie and Sammie? Last time I was into this show they were having “knockdown drag out Sammie’s bed to the porch” fights. Now they are like normal, happy people in a relationship. I don’t get it. And I for sure don’t like it.

9:10- Snooki just wrapped her pee panties in a plastic grocery bag and threw them away. At least she waited until after she slept in them all night to do this. You may be thinking “That’s gross”, but I urge you to keep in mind that she had taken a “shore shower” at the club so it was fine.

9:12- Deena just isn’t a smart person. She just used this collection of words: “Wall electrocution is like electronics.” Ummmmm, what?

9:13- “If you look up too much swag in the dictionary, it would be a picture of my face.”-Pauly. If you look up “guido”, they use the same picture.

9:14- Snooki just put on two pairs of underwear today after her accident last night. Makes total sense. If she pees the dance floor again it will probably only get one pair wet. Not both. Great idea. No one can say Snooki doesn’t think things through.

9:17- Looks like they are headed out to day drink. Although you hardly ever know what day of the week it is on this show, Deena says it is Sunday Funday. Sunday Funday may be the first thing I’ve ever seen on this show that I can relate to.

9:19- Snooki says she thinks she has a UTI. She goes onto say that, contrary to popular belief, UTI does not stand for “ultimate tanning institute”. If that isn’t what it stands for, then my whole life has been a lie. I don’t even know which way is up right now.

9:20- Snooki just peed in a bar bathroom and didn’t wash her hands. “I never do it either,” Deena says in support. The last two minutes have been a flurry of great stuff. I can’t keep up. I think Snooki followed the no hand wash urination trip with a quote like “My UTI hurts. I need medicine. I’ll just do tequila shots until it doesn’t hurt.” I just realized I need DVR for this show. Everything happens so fast.

9:21- Part of the gang heads to the batting cages. Seems like a normal thing to do during the middle of an afternoon of day drinking. Let’s go swing some aluminum around. Snooki then says something that she could have just kept to herself. “I don’t want the ball to hit me in my UTI. I don’t like balls thrown at me, (insert what you think she said she likes to do with balls and that will be close enough to what she said).” Just when you think she can’t get more offensive she goes and says something like this and totally redeems herself.

9:22- They successfully attained day drunkeness. Drunkeness in daylight does not look good on Mike. It makes him look super old.

9:24- You what I just thought of: I just thought of how great it’s going to be in 15 years when you open up the internet on your contact lenses and you see pictures of the Jersey Shore cast online. Their skin will look wrinkly and leathery. The skin their tattoos are inked onto will be sagging. Snooki, Deena, and Ronnie will be as round as they are tall. That’s going to be a great day. I’ll still be laughing at farts. I’ll be 44.

9:26- Snooki is attempting to pull off a perfect episode. I don’t want to talk about it yet. It’s like a no hitter. You don’t mention it. But I’ll just say that she has yet to pee in a bathroom in her own house during this episode. She has peed on the dance floor at Karma, in the bar bathroom, and on the back porch at their house.

9:28- Mike is walking around drunk on the party deck talking to the other housemates with his tally whacker out. I only mention it because I could see you thinking “I bet Flener can’t work the term ‘tally whacker’ into this running diary” when you started reading this. You were wrong.

9:29- Ronnie is eating Special K out of the box and appears to be sober. What has his life become? I hate it.


9:40- No!!! Snooki is going to pee inside. No!! The perfect episode is over. If only Vinny could have known and beat her to the bathroom she could have peed in a potted plant inside the house and hit for the urination cycle (floor, bar, porch, potted plant.)

9:41- The bunny head is back on Snooki. She woke Mike up by closing his airways. That’s one way to do it I guess. Just to recap, so far in this episode Snooki has done the following things:

A. Referred to a UTI as an “ultimate tanning institute.”

B. Urinated on the dance floor at a dance club.

C. Taken a “shore shower.”

D. Used tequila as a pain medication.

E. Made a comment about balls I can’t print.

F. Got drunk during daylight.

G. Peed outside.

H. Put a bunny suit on and humped her roommates.

9:47- I don’t understand them having a job. They don’t need a job. Everyone knows they make tons of money every episode. Why do we need to act like they need money? Just let them do whatever they want everyday. I can’t remember any good scenes that have come out of them going to work. Except for the time Mike hid and took a nap.

9:50- Private interview with Snooki: “My dad keeps wondering why I have a UTI… Uhhhh, ‘I don’t know Dad’. But its from sex.” You can’t stop Snooki, you can only hope to contain her.

9:52- Bless Deena’s heart. She is just not cute. And it has nothing to do with her hair or crazy make up. I think it’s just her face.

9:53- These people give what I like to call “placebo advice” to each other. It’s not going to actually help anything but it sure makes them feel better.

9:56- J Wow is mad at her boo Roger for being on the beach and not calling her back. Besides Ronnie, J Wow is the last person in this house that I would want mad at me. If she got in a bare knuckle fist fight with Mike I would be surprised if Mike even landed a punch.

9:58- Vinny and Pauly laugh in Mike’s face when he is talking to them. I love that about them.

The obvious star of this episode was Snooki. I can’t wait for the last episode of Jersey Shore that they ever air when Snooki gets in her last private interview and says “Hey America, Gotcha! I’m not really this dumb. I’m actually a brilliant stand up comedian and actress and I made this character up.” Only she will be lying, because no one could make up the things that come out of her mouth.

Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener

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The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Episode 2

(I changed the blog “theme” tonight. The white font on the black background hurts my eyes. I screwed up and didn’t save our old header. I’ll try to fix it tomorrow.)

Taking into account the positive feedback I received from The Bachelor blog on Monday night I thought I’d continue to, as they say, “strike while the iron is hot”  (I don’t know who “they” are, but they seem to have a lot of involvement in the day to day lives of myself and everyone I know. I bet “they” don’t sleep a lot due to having to think of clever sayings all the time.) and write about another show featuring crazy people.  The show is The Challenge: Battle of the Exes on MTV. I’m not sure how writing about it will go. My relationship with this show is totally different than my relationship with The Bachelor. I watch The Bachelor for the crazy and only the crazy. I have no favorite girl and don’t care who wins. I simply enjoy hearing the things women willingly say out loud on national television and reacting to it.

However, I actually like The Challenge. And before you say to yourself “Aren’t you a little too old to still watch MTV?” or “Flener is a great writer. It’s rare to find a great writer that is extremely good looking” let me just stop you. I already know both of these things. But I don’t care. I like the show and having looks and brains is just my cross to bear. Whatever you say won’t change these things about me.  I’m too old to get excited about eating a banana popsicle after dinner too, but I do. Some things in this world are without an explanation. They just are what they are.

For those of you who are inexplicably not fans of this show, let’s quickly touch on what it is in a portion of the column I will call “Things that might be said if you have never seen The Challenge and we have a conversation about it”. (The things I assume you would say will be in bold and my subsequent response will not be in bold and will directly follow the statement it is answering. It just makes sense to do it that way. You asking a question and me giving you the answer to another question would be tough to follow. Yes, you would still get all the answers to all the questions you had but you may have trouble figuring out what questions some answers go with. I’m doing it this way for you. I love my readers and want to make things as simple as possible for you to understand. Here we go:

This show is called Battle of the Exes. It must be filmed in Texas, right? George Strait said all Exes live in Texas.

As surprising as this may be, it is not filmed in Texas. But I completely understand your confusion. George Strait has a very trusting face. Like an older uncle. Of course you would believe what he says in his songs. However, all Exes couldn’t live in Texas because there wouldn’t be enough jobs. It has more to do with the economy than anything.

Ummm, okay… So where was it filmed?

It was filmed in the Dominican Republic.

Where is that?

Green Hills Mall.

That’s Banana Republic, you idiot.

Look at you with the name calling. I don’t know where the Dominican Republic is. I don’t own a globe. If I could find it on the internet I would, but I don’t trust people on the internet to know. They can say anything they want, even if it’s a lie. Don’t believe me? Last time I was on Chat Roulette a girl told me she loved me and then she nexted me. Liar.

How do they find the contestants for this show? 

Contestants for this show come off past seasons of The Real World, Road Rules, or Fresh Meat challenges. On this particular season of the show, contestants are paired with former lovers/hookups from previous shows they have been on. What could go wrong, right?

Actually it seems like a recipe for disaster. Surely they don’t allow alcohol in an environment like that. Seems like that could escalate things.

*Nodding & smiling*

Do the contestants have to pass a steroid test to be on the show?

*Shaking head no & smiling*

So let me get this straight. Dudes on steroids are drinking around other guys on steroids and all of their exes are around?

Yeah, you pretty much get it. Did I mention that the girls drink a lot too and these drunk steroided exes are competing for a $150,000 prize?

No. You didn’t. You could have just scrolled up the page to see what you had mentioned. You really aren’t that smart, are you?

I’m 29, eat a banana popsicle after dinner every night and I can name all the characters from season 1 of “Teen Mom”. I’d like to say my actions and my memory suggest I’ve got life figured out at this point. But you can disagree if you want.

Whatever you say, bro.

I’m not a bro, bro.

Okay, bruh.

That’s more like it.

The show is about to start. What gimmick format are you going to use to write about it?

Why a real time running diary, of course. As I said the other night. I have no DVR so I cannot rewind to get exact quotes. Some may be a little off. I like it that way though. It makes watching the show more intense.

Alright, let’s get to watching it. Before we do, do you think you could not sit right beside me on the couch? There are only two of us here and there is another couch right over there. Not to mention a recliner.

I swear I was doing that as a joke.

It wouldn’t have been nearly as weird if you would have had a shirt on.

My bad. Let’s just forget that happened. The show is on.

Episode 2

9:00- Last week, rookies Nate and Priscilla from Real World San Diego went home. I could care less about this. They were two of the least interesting Real World cast members of all time. The only thing less interesting than these two is watching someone put deodorant on.

9:02- Mandi just told her partner Wes that she didn’t think he was ready to get back into a “monoganus” relationship.

9:04- Vinny may be the most out of shape contestant I have ever seen on a Challenge. He is 40 pounds overweight.

9:06- Naomi just set the record for most f -bombs dropped in under 10 seconds. She makes Blakely from The Bachelor look like a Nun.

9:07- Jasmine just assaulted her partner Tyrie. I don’t know any other way to say it. She punched him with her hand.

9:10- Today’s challenge is called “Hook-Up.” I’m not going to try to describe it. It requires balance and upper body strength and teamwork. Blah blah blah. The Challenges are really inconsequential to my enjoyment of the show. Let’s see some more assaults.

9:13- This challenge is unbelievably difficult. Vinny’s team is up now and they are performing surprisingly well considering Vinny is the heaviest person to be featured on an MTV show since Rob and Big last aired.

9:17- Camilla and Johnny are the only team to complete the challenge thus far. Johnny, or Johnny Bananas as he is commonly referred to, is my favorite character on this season of the challenge. They will be going into the finals against Sarah and Vinny to determine who becomes the “power couple.” The power couple determines who goes into “The Dome” to face the team who did the worst, Leroy and Naomi. Leroy is a beast and is feared by all nations. Going to elimination with him would be a nervous feeling comparable to waiting on your dad to get home from work after you laughed at the spanking your mom gave you for throwing rocks at cars.

9:20- Vinny and Sarah somehow win and become the power couple. Now everyone starts sucking up to them so they won’t get picked to face Leroy & Naomi in The Dome.

9:24- Tyrie just stated that he and Jasmine fighting was not going to happen again. Be serious. Jasmine has the lowest tolerance for alcohol in the world outside of college freshmen. It’s only a matter of time until she breaks a glass vase over your head.

9:27- Wes just said “These people have a vendetta against me because I have beaten them in these games and in life.” Yeah, Wes. Because being a ginger and everyone hating you is the ultimate life win.

9:30- The whole group went out to a club. Apparently Vinny winning the challenge went to his head. He pulled a girl’s shirt off. Or maybe it wasn’t the winning. Maybe he drank some. Oh, what’s that? Vinny just used the words “I was pounding drinks”? Okay, so it was the drinks. Did I mention he did all of this stuff at the club with his shirt off? I REPEAT, HE DID ALL OF THIS STUFF AT THE CLUB WITH HIS SHIRT OFF! To reiterate an earlier point, he is 40 pounds overweight.

9:36- Vinny just got kicked off the show for what he did to Mandi in the club. It’s probably for the best. I have no idea how he could top what he did on the crazy scale. When I picture what Vinny will do to deal with his feelings about getting kicked off, I picture him eating an entire pan of lasagna with his shirt off rubbing his nipples with his free hand.

9:42- It is decided that Vinny’s partner, Sarah, will also be sent home. To say she reacted poorly would be an insult to poor reactions. She had a full fledged come apart. She ran around the house crying like a teenage girl who just found out her friends didn’t ask her to go to the Taylor Swift concert.

9:45- Elimination time in The Dome. The guys will compete against each other and the girls will compete against each other. They each hold two sides of a piece of wood shaped as an “X” and try to wrestle it away from the other person. Best 2 out of 3 wins.

9:48- Leroy is a monster. He just manhandled Wes in The Dome challenge. It was frightening. I think I just peed a little.

9:50- Mandi defeats Naomi. It was girls competing. It was boring.

9:51- Now a coin flip will determine whether the girls or guys will go again to determine a sudden death winner. It was heads, which means the guys are going head to head. Perfect for Leroy and Naomi.

9:56- Leroy wins. Vegas didn’t even take bets. More importantly, I just realized Naomi has a handgun tattooed on her inner arm. Then she had this to say about her and Leroy’s relationship: “I think we should be sleeping together during this challenge. I think it would help us in the game. We need to communicate to be our best and I think sleeping together would help that.” You know what Naomi, you’re probably right. I bet sex would make things way less complicated.

To recap this episode, 2 teams went home. 1 to elimination (Wes & Mandi), and 1 due to a sexual assault in a club by a shirtless man who is 40 pounds overweight (Vinny & Sarah). Leroy and Naomi have taken over the “Power Couple” position and will choose the order for next week’s challenge. They will also undoubtedly spend more time arguing about if they should sleep in the same bed. I wouldn’t argue with her Leroy, she has a handgun tattooed on the inside of her bicep.

(I’ll give you one guess which one of the guys in the picture below is Vinny. Hint: It’s the fat guy with his shirt on.)

Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener

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The Bachelor Girls Visit “This Puerto Rico”

I haven’t quite found the urge to write about basketball this season, but fear not loyal LOTD readers, I’ve discovered my true calling; breaking down “The Bachelor.” Last year when I was really finding myself as a writer and honing my skills, I was making fun of terrible announcers or writing my predictions and assessments of big games. Little did I know I was grooming myself for something bigger. Something more important.  Making fun of all things on “The Bachelor.”

The past few weeks, I had played around with “live tweeting” during the show. It seemed to be fairly well received by my followers but I decided to go in a different direction tonight. I decided to take notes during the show and blog about it after. I quickly found out that was much to the dismay of a few of my followers:

“@rockTHEgood: @AFlener I was hoping to read your tweets to entertain me during class.”

–I’m bitter towards the students of today. They have SO many things to occupy their attention during class (twitter, facebook, words with friends) However, I wasn’t a standout in the classroom as it was. I had 2 senior years in college. The iPhone would have literally cost me my degree.

“@GretchBurchett: @AFlener What’s your blog because I’m highly disappointed I can’t follow your humor on here.”

–If you’re reading this, you already know. It’s

“@TateRealEstate: @AFlener I for one (speaking for all) was looking forward to your virtual play by play.”

–Speaking for myself to you (and all), you’re still going to get it. And you’re going to get it in more than 140 characters at a time.

“@Amandadawn0809: @AFlener Where are the tweets!!??”

–Please stop yelling at me. I don’t respond well when I get yelled at. I shut down and don’t share my feelings (ask my ex girlfriends). And believe me, you want my thoughts and feelings about this week’s episode.

We’ll do this is running diary form. I don’t have certain times recorded that certain things happened, so my thoughts will move from the start of the episode through to the finish and won’t skip around from one part to another. They will be separated by “*’s”.

(I’ll preface all of this by saying I may not have the exact quote right when I quote these girls. I’ve never heard some of the things they say out loud before so I get lost at times. I also don’t have DVR so I can’t go back and re-watch it. A #FirstWorldProblem if I have ever seen one.) Here we go.

*Courtney (about Emily): “She’s still on my s*** list. Once you’re on my s*** list you’re pretty much dead to me.” At this point, everyone in America watching the show desired to be placed on Courtney’s s*** list. Heck, let’s not even restrict it to American viewers. If you were watching anywhere in the world you want on that list. The way I see it, if I am dead to Courtney she is by default dead to me. It’s logistics. Or logic. I’m not sure. Like I said earlier, 2 senior years for me.

*Nikki, before her solo date with Ben: “If I don’t get a rose tonight I’d be really bummed after coming all the way to this Puerto Rico.” You mean, as opposed to coming all the way to “that Puerto Rico”? How many Puerto Rico’s are there? I thought there was only one, but the only thing I’ve learned in the past year was that people can save a lot of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. So what do I know?

Also, she’d only be bummed because she came all the way to this Puerto Rico and doesn’t want to go home the first day and miss out on time in this Puerto Rico? Call me a romantic, but I thought the point of this show was staying around to find true love. (It’s sentences like the last one that make me wish there was a sarcasm font.)

*If you are ever on The Bachelor and on a solo date with “the man of your dreams”, say something like Nikki did if you want to guarantee it will start pouring down rain. “I feel like I’m in my element. This date is going so well right now. What could go wrong?”

*”Ben is muy muy muy muy muy caliente.” I don’t know who said this, but I guarantee you they could spell it and they weren’t totally sure what it meant.

*I don’t hate on Ben much. Compared to the girls on the show, he is the essence of composure and tact. That being said, I don’t take anything he does seriously. Especially not when he put on that white hat. But it doesn’t matter. I’m not here for him. I’m here for the crazy. The crazy picks back up in 3, 2, 1….

*Nikki: “I think if I ever get married again I want to live with the person before.” Look, I’m not taking a moral stance on this. Far from it. I’ve got friends that have done/currently are doing this. I’m not sure it’s for me. But I’ve never had to make that decision. I just don’t see why you’d want to live with a girl one day before you had to.  Back to Nikki. She has known him for 2 or 3 weeks and she is already talking about co-habitating. For me, that would raise more red flags than a day at the beach with strong under currents.

*My friend Kent dropped by for the first hour. He had never seen the show. He had this to say about Ben’s one on one talk with Nikki in the big round chair: “I don’t know anything about Ben or this show, but I’d have a hard time sitting Indian style that long.” Finally someone else who breaks down this show in a way I can relate to.

*When we look back on this season of The Bachelor, the baseball game scene will have to be in the top 5 scenes of the season. There was Competitiveness, Cursing, and Chest bumps. @coach_K_B had this to say about it: “Best baseball game I’ve ever watched in my life… Ok, Ok, the most boobs I’ve ever seen in a baseball game.” The truth always come out, ey Keith?

Here are 4 things that crossed my mind during the game:

1. If you are the last pick in the draft for The Bachelor baseball game, how could you ever look your father in the eye again?

2. Courtney was impressed with Blakely’s skills on the diamond so she put her analyst hat on: “Who knew strippers could play baseball?” Courtney, how could you not see this coming? Of course Blakely is an athlete. She has tattoos on her arms. On twitter, @onechancefancy had this to say: “@AFlener , Blakely looks like a drag queen.” *nodding*

3. On The Bachelor, there is crying in baseball. Darn good thing Tom Hanks wasn’t around.

4. How far has Major League baseball fallen? The only baseball game I’ve watched from start to finish since the 1990’s was a 5 inning game that featured 9 girls on a reality show.

*Elyse cried about going home before she even went on the date. I’m no TV producer, but I think they call this “foreshadowing.”

*”Let’s screw everyone else. Let’s just get married right here right now” is what you would say if you are a crazy person on a boat on your first date with Ben and your name was Elyse.

*About Elyse’s one on one date, I wrote this down: “Is she going to whine the whole date about it being her first date or actually be an enjoyable person and take advantage of this opportunity?” I soon found out my answer. She’s going to whine the whole date about it being her first date and then she is going to go home. Might want to take that inner ear earring out when you go look for a new job.

*About Elyse’s one on one date, Courtney said this out loud: “Maybe she drank to much and the Jersey Shore came out.” Woman, you leave Deena, Sammie, Snooki, and J Wow out of this. DID YOU NOT SEE SAMMIE THROW DOWN LAST WEEK?

*Blakely drops an astounding number of f-bombs. Smart move. That’s EXACTLY what I would want said on national TV by a woman I’m taking home to meet my parents.

*I’ve saved my thoughts on Courtney for a moment like this. As my friend Bob said on twitter last week, “Is it just me or does her unibrow have a 5 o’clock shadow? Her eyebrows and upper lip mesmerize me. Her upper lip because it never moves, and her eyebrows because I’m convinced if razors and tweezers were done away with she’d look like Anthony Davis’ twin sister. She had this to say about Ben: “I don’t know if he’s ever skinny dipped with a model before.” Courtney is a model? Who knew? @leslie_britt sure didn’t: “I wish Courtney would talk more about her profession because I keep forgetting what she does for a living…”

*Ben had this to say about skinny dipping with Courtney: “I don’t know if this is a good idea.” You’re dating 12 women right now, Ben. What could possibly go wrong with the other 11 if you get naked and get into the ocean with 1? I can’t think of anything. Obviously you can’t either.

*Sorry, I changed the channel during the skinny dipping scene. I’m sure Courtney said a lot of good stuff. Or maybe she just got naked and seduced Ben in the water. I wouldn’t know. Like I said, I turned the channel. She probably said something like “we might as well, we ARE in Puerto Rico” or “I feel like the girls are going to be mad at me when they find out about this.” But I wouldn’t know. I turned the channel.

*When I turned it back for the rose ceremony Courtney said: “I feel confident going into tonight.” What could have happened in that water? I wouldn’t know. I turned the channel.

*Ben mentions that their moment was intimate and he felt bad. Did they hold hands under the water?

*Courtney keeps bringing up skinny dipping. Maybe I should have watched that scene. Seems like its a big part of this episode.

*Apparently ,”I’m not going to talk about Courtney” is the perfect lead in for Emily to start talking about Courtney. I haven’t seen this much insecurity since Brad Pitt and George Clooney robbed the casino in Ocean’s 11.

*Hey girls on The Bachelor: For future reference, one way to definitely get a rose is to have sex with Ben in the ocean. Not that I think Courtney did that. I wouldn’t know, I changed the channel. I just figure that’s a way one could get a rose.

*One way to definitely not get a rose is to say back to back sentences that contradict one another… is the sentence I had written when I thought Emily was going home.

*In all actuality, the way to definitely not get a rose is to be a ginger. My cousin Jenna texted me a question I had no answer for, maybe one of you can provide it in the comments section: “Did Jennifer or whatever her name is have the hiccups or was she crying? Or was that a new thing called ‘cryupping?'”

*A warning to the ladies remaining on the show (who won’t read this): If you fail to receive a rose, don’t do weird stuff in the limo or my cousin Jenna is going to make up a new word for your reaction. I know, I’ve seen her do it.

This concludes my thoughts on this night of the most unintentionally funny show on television. I’m now going to contemplate how I got to a place in my life where I watch The Bachelor. After that I will contemplate how I got to a place in my life where could write over 2,000 words about it.

Follow me on Twitter: @AFlener

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Paul Warren: A Tribute to a Friend and a Brother


*I wish there was some other forum for me to post this in, but I didn’t want to use Facebook (it feels impersonal to me at this point) and this was all I had*

Almost everything we have ever written here has been insanely ridiculous, about sports, and out for a laugh. Today, however, that will not be the case. Today has been a reminder in not taking life for granted and being certain that people in your life, be it friends or family, know that you love them.

Early Thursday morning I, along with everyone that knew him, lost a great friend & brother. Parents lost a son and a wife lost her newlywed husband. There are no words for the sorrow being experienced by those who were close to Paul Warren. P Dub, as we called him at Lipscomb, was one of the finest people I have ever called a friend. While I have no words to ease the hurt myself and others are experiencing, I wanted to share some of my favorite stories about Paul and some of my favorite things about him. I would like you guys to use the comments section to share memories and thoughts about him as well. This post is simply a tribute to our friend, Paul.

*I am a year older than Paul and was on the golf team and in Tau Phi with Paul at Lipscomb. I got to double dip in time spent with Paul. As far as the golf team goes, Paul came in as a freshman and started whipping everyone’s butt. He quickly became number one on the team. As a humble kid, I almost felt like this made him a little bit uncomfortable. Even though he was the best, he never wanted people to think of him as the best.

*Paul Warren could always make you feel like you were the funniest person on the planet. I have no idea if he ever thought anything I said was funny, but I would never have known from his reaction. He laughed every time. If I had a joke or a saying I was thinking about using I could gain confidence in it by saying it around Pdub. On this same point, I also think that Paul just loved to laugh. He enjoyed life.

*Paul was a great guitar player. As good as he was at golf and as hard as he worked at it to get better, he was just as good and worked just as hard at playing guitar. I will never forget the time he and Ralston (the guy in the “T” hat in the picture above with Paul) brought down the house during the Cowboy Show as they played the long guitar solo from Freebird. The entire crowd stood for about 8 minutes. He also played some with Dustin Lynch when Dustin was just getting started playing in bars around Nashville. He was an all around super talented individual.

*As Paul was a year younger than me, he pledged the same social club at Lipscomb that I did a year after I was in. That meant that Paul pledged under me. Pledging was not the easiest thing and pledges weren’t always treated with the kindness and respect most human beings are treated with. Anyone that has ever pledged knows this as fact. But there was something different about pledging Paul. I was talking to another Tau Phi guy (Trevor Brown) earlier and I told him “Paul was SO nice that you felt bad about asking him to do anything for you. You just wanted it to be over so you could hang out with him.” The greatest Paul Warren pledging story is this:   One day, Paul was in charge of completing an active’s (Jon Masters) laundry. This was a common task for a pledge. So Paul does the laundry like he is supposed to and gives it back to Jon. Jon soon notices that the clothes don’t smell clean. You know when you do laundry and you sniff the clothes that you can smell the detergent. Jon couldn’t smell detergent. Jon goes to Paul and says “Paul, when you did my laundry did you use detergent?” Paul gets a distraught look on his face and simply replies “No sir, I forgot.” Needless to say, Paul did the laundry again. No other measures were taken against him because it was so funny that no one could be upset with him.

*Paul was funny, but Paul was never the boisterous guy yelling and cracking jokes to everyone trying to be the center of attention. Paul was funny in a quieter, more dry way. Paul’s funniest moments were brought about by questions from others. I can’t think of any certain answers or one liners he had off the top of my head but I’m sure some of you guys can.

*Paul was up for whatever you wanted him to be up for. Granted, as we have gotten older and moved to different places being “up for whatever” has taken on different meanings. It’s crazy how much you take for granted when you were in college and saw all of your friends every single day. Anyways, one of my last big time memories with Paul has probably been a few years ago now. A buddy of mine wanted me to go play in an invitational golf tournament with him I believe in Dickson, TN. He said see if you can find another guy or two so we can take a group over there. I bet I called 10 people. Out of 10 people, you know who said yes? Paul said “Man, I haven’t played golf or in a golf tournament in a couple years but I’m in. It’ll be fun.” I wish I could say he went out there and won the tournament, but he didn’t. I think we both shot in the 80’s the first day. But we enjoyed being with one another. Paul could always get excited for doing whatever you wanted to do.

I know that many of you that will read this knew Paul even better than I did and will have many more stories and memories to share. Writing is something that helps me clear my head and my head has been full of stuff since this morning. I want to find many ways that we can honor Paul and his life, this just happened to be the one I thought of first. I hope you will take time in the comments to share even more stories and more memories you have of Paul. He will be dearly missed by many. To his wife, Molly, his parents Johnny and Kathy, and his sister Lorie, I am so happy to have known your husband, son, and brother. If we can all strive to wake up as joyful as Paul Warren did everyday this world would be a much better place.

Paul, I love you brother.

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